I turned 29 this year. However, the way I count I am actually in my 30th year and when this September rolls around we will be celebrating the close of my 30th year and marking the beginning of my 31st. Birthdays are a big deal to me. I love celebrating them. Even more than January 1st, I view my birth day as a new beginning.

This past birthday was momentous in my mind as I was entering my third decade of life. I spent almost the entire month mulling over my life (I know, sounds pretty melodramatic). In the week before my actual birthday I decided to mark this year with a word.

Thankfulness

At the time it sounded so great. It was a word near and dear to my heart. I wanted something that I would fashion this year around. I wanted a daily reminder to stop and be present.

Well crap.

Being thankful is so easy when life is a breeze. When s**t hits the fan, being thankful is TOUGH. One thing led to another and the last four months have tested my ability and willingness to remain thankful. I have not done a good job. I’ve spent more time grumbling. Moaning. I can think of uglier words to describe my response to this season I am currently journeying through. The short and sweet of it is that I was(am?) being a real party-pooper.

Externally I’ve held it together. In hindsight I’m not sure that was a good thing or not. I guess I felt relieved that at least my family and friends weren’t subjected to my foul moods. My poor life partner was not so lucky. Let me tell you, hitching your wagon to some one else’s means there can be a lot of that s**t  to shovel. But I digress. That subject is worthy of a post of it’s own. I may have spared a few people the uglies but it also meant that the last few months have left me feeling very isolated. When you’re not honest with your community they can’t be there for you. My fault. I take complete responsibility for that one.

So now here we are, six months into my year of thankfulness. And I just wanted to take a moment. Pause. Recalibrate. I want to remind myself and those who feel the ripple effects of being in my presence.

I am thankful. Still. It’s an active thing. I am being thankful. I am trying.

So if you think of it, remind me gently to be thankful if it looks like I am struggling. Because I want to OWN this word this year. I don’t want to let any one or anything steal my thankfulness.

Am I out of the woods yet? Nope. The storm is still raging over here. However, the lighthouse works and by remaining thankful I have a beacon of light marking the course through rough waters.